Let me do my apologies quick (and like a few certain people, I’m sure my readers are equally as tired of my apologies–whether warranted or unwarranted). It’s been a month (or more) since I made my last blog post and that’s seriously whacked considering I did make a public pledge to be more consistent with my content and posting schedule.
I’m extremely sorry, I’ve been going through a rough patch lately and as positively charged as I was during the first quarter, my second took a great dive down the slope and in effect, it jolted me back to my reality. I realized that I had a lot of unresolved issues that I had to ultimately address and fix first because how can I attempt to inspire people, to preach and talk positively when I wasn’t in a stable state? I’m never one to do things half-baked.
The thing is, I’m not perfect–people know this, my friends know this, but no one knows the breadth of my dysfunction. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of, that I’m very embarrassed about, and I don’t make it a point to talk about said choices because I want to present my best foot forward to the people I meet.
Because I believe that everyone deserves to meet me at my best.
A few people would categorize it as deception, maybe, to an extent, but the way I see it, I just don’t want my mistakes to define me as a person. I just never realized that perhaps, omitting things, covering unfavorable characteristics with a few layers, would web out and cause more harm than the original good I intended it for.
Hence resentment–towards myself mostly.
If there’s anything, I’m a pro at feeling resentment for myself. So I spent the past few weeks wondering how I was able to hurt people that I cared for–that’s not who I am, that’s not who I want to be. So I made it a point to be proactive, I came up with more than a hundred scenarios to fix the situation I placed myself in but this time I was going to do right by it.
So I did, I went through with a few feasible scenarios despite the fact that none of them came out the way I imagined them to. I persisted with my “all” because the people that I cared for deserved nothing less. None of them came to fruition by the way because you can only control your situation and not the other party’s but I did try, I tried so hard I felt that I was going to snap in the middle of the day and just shut down.
And it did come to that point.
But after that, I realized that I have to stop punishing myself–that I had to save a little something for me. If a few certain people won’t be able to get past my mistakes and accept who I was and who I was trying to be, who won’t be able to forgive me despite all my efforts, then all the more I have to cut myself some slack and learn to forgive myself–because at the end of the day, who will?
Yes, there are days when I’d still wake up thinking I’m still very willing to take the blunt of all the negativity, and to persist even when the signs all point to futility; because my threshold for pain is pretty high and better I be the one hurt than the rest, right? But mostly because there are days when I manage to convince myself that I’m a horrible human being and thus my feelings don’t matter and I’ve no right to feel bad or sad because I brought this upon myself.
But my friends are right, I have to snap out of it, I have to work on fixing “me”–work on being happy again, work on loving “me” again. I shouldn’t have to lose semblances of myself because I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone falls, but it’s high time we all get upright and start walking again.
I’m not saying I’m disregarding my mistakes but I’ve learned from them and I’m still learning from them. It just that, I am more than the sum of my past and my mistakes. I’ve done my apologies, and I’ve been changing for the better. It’s an on-going process but I haven’t stopped just yet, but this time, I am doing this for me and for the people who had my back when I thought ill of me.
To those who had stayed with me, even in the wee hours of the morning when I felt the emptiest, thank you so much. Mornings are very rough on me and that’s usually the time I haven’t given myself a pep-talk of sorts. You guys know who you are and I want you all to know that you matter so much to me–both friends and family: the very individuals who had seen me at my worst but who had withheld judgment regardless.
That is unconditional love.
So I am going to fix just “me” right now because as I’ve said, you all deserve the best.
Maybe you’re right, God has better plans.
In line with this, I would like to say: “I’m back in business, bitches.”
Forgive my French. Anyway, here’s my photo-set for the summer–I’ll load a few more photos next time from Boracay. Funny thing about Boracay was I went there with every intention to lose myself and forget but in effect, I got wind of rich insights and strengthened friendships. Who would’ve thought? 🙂
Two Piece Bikini Set: Koi Swimwear